A Perpetual Burden
by eclecticfangirl99
Summary: A century after the death of James Carstairs, Tessa Gray has given up. During one of her worst moments, she is confronted by a certain cat-eyed warlock from her past. One shot.


**Author's Note/ Disclaimer:**

I don't own The Mortal Instruments or The Infernal Devices, as much fun as it would be if I did... I was rereading TID and this is what became of it. Thanks for reading. Please review!

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Tessa Gray hitched a sob, banging a useless fist against the wall. Some ancient part of her knew that it should have hurt, but it did not. She punched the surface again, recalling a time before, so excruciatingly long ago when all had been searching for the Devil's mark on her body. Little did she know then that what truly marked her as a warlock was watery eyes, empty expressions, and a posture that radiated nothing short of defeat. All those years before, she had had something to live for. A family, a cause, her own humanity. Now she had none.

She recalled those who thought immortality to be a gift. Never growing gray or wrinkled, never keeling over, being buried six feet under the ground. On the surface, it sounded perfect. But in all of its grim actuality, immortality had infallibly proven to be the worst nightmare Tessa could conjure, perhaps, of course, because it was a reality. Tessa reared back her fist and slammed into the wall again. Red blood streamed down her arm, and she glared at it— despised it. Why must it be red? Tessa Gray was not human, so why did her heart insist on beating as if she was? Her entire existence, she decided, was a mockery of something purer than she herself ever was and ever could be. Just as she thought it, she felt her body quiver. She was changing, her first trick, flickering through the shapes of those she had loved and despised. Her brother, her friends, her lovers. She knew them so well that it came easily, even without her conscious control. Her body shook with the strain of the change and the magic, but continued to warp until she was her blasted self again.

Tessa leaned unceremoniously against the wall, wordless memories of simpler times echoing through her brain. She knew life could not go on this way, but she was also aware that whatever she was leading was not life. So then she gave herself no rules. Anyone who could have possibly cared was long gone, never to see her or be seen by her again.

Was it by design that seconds after she thought this, a throat cleared behind her? Tessa whirled, blood flying off her fist onto the face of—

"Magnus Bane."

He wiped the red from his visage, somehow managing not to smear it, and smiled. "Haven't heard that in a long time, Miss Gray."

Tessa felt her eyes water with a new kind of sadness. She stumbled forward, wrapping her arms around the warlock with an uncharacteristic display of warm affection. He returned the gesture, though not without adding, "You're getting blood on my new coat."

Tessa gave a choked laugh. "I apologize."

"And you don't smell too nice, either, Tessa."

"Are you in my house?" She pulled away, giving him the opportunity to make eye contact.

"The answer to that question seems rather obvious," Magnus glanced around before again resting his eyes on her. "What happened?"

Tessa looked down. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, yes, because you've always brutally attacked walls for entertainment," Magnus retorted dryly.

Tessa swallowed something hard in her throat. "I fear I would offend you if I said."

Magnus cocked an eyebrow, warranting a furious head shake from his companion. She rushed on, "I grew tired, Magnus. I watched them die. Both of them and everyone else. All I've loved have came and went, yet I remain." Her voice croaked out the words, wavering only slightly over contained sobs.

"And you think that makes you special?"

"No. I just wish it wouldn't go on. I want to give up, but I'm forced to stay here, watching the rest of the world die. When does it end for us, Magnus? When does it stop?"

Rather than answer her question, Magnus flicked his cat eyes to the wall behind her, unseeing. His voice sounded forlorn when he said, "I knew a girl who would never have uttered those words. 'I want to give up.' I knew a young thing, with eyes neither blue nor gray, who would find the very idea laughable."

"That girl does not exist any longer," Tessa replied firmly.

"Ah, she doesn't now, but could she again? You were Tessa Gray before you ever laid eyes upon William or James—" Tessa flinched at the names, but he went on "—and you will be Tessa Gray again. There will be no existential crises on my watch. It's been a hundred years. It's time to move on."

"What's the point? You've lived for centuries longer than I, Magnus. You know even better then myself. Nothing lasts. Your shadowhunter boy died years ago."

Pain overwhelmed Magnus's face, and Tessa knew she had struck a nerve.

"Are you saying then, that you wish you had never met your own 'shadowhunter boys'?" Magnus' tone was venomous, not to be outdone.

Tessa narrowed her eyes. "Of course not. But I know I will not meet another mortal worth loving again, and—"

Magnus silenced her with the flourish of his hand. "And now you see that you sound just like every mundane who has ever had her heart broken."

"I doubt they had their loves die of old age, hundreds of years apart, in front of their very eyes."

"Perhaps not. But everyone falls into self-pity every century or so. You just have to climb out of it," he paused for a moment. "I do believe Will and Jem would think that best, don't you agree?"

Tessa stared for long, thoughtful moments that stretched as her brain whirred like the clockwork from centuries past.

"Perhaps."

It was neither a confirmation nor a denial, but Magnus accepted it with a toothy grin. Very much could be spoken behind a single word like 'perhaps'. It signified possibilities— a future that Tessa did not want, but would live anyway.

"How do you do it, Magnus?" This was all she said, but he seemed to understand.

"Oh, quite simple, really. I got a cat."


End file.
